This column was written as satire. --Ed.

President-elect Donald J. Trump announced today that his first official action after being sworn in will be to use his authority as commander-in-chief to commission himself to be a general in the US Army, along with all male members of his Cabinet.

Trump said he would be commissioned as a five-star general, the US Army’s highest rank. The Cabinet members will be appointed three-star generals. They will be required to wear uniforms at all times, though the usual duties, requirements and strictures of military service will be waived.

Trump issued a series of early morning tweets before the official announcement was released on Instagram, along with pictures of the new generals in their uniforms.

“Interviewed huge number of people for these huge jobs. Most were idiots or softies except the generals. I want my generals in the fight to MAGA,” he said in a tweet.

Trump continued, “These heroes REALLY know what’s at stake. Candidly, I’d be more qualified if I had killed bad guys, too. Maybe not too late?! Joke!!!!”

“My uniform will be the best probably in history. Best tailors ever — Italians I think — making it. Top secret. A beautiful thing, believe me,” he said in another tweet.

The president-elect said in the last of his 18 tweets, “Talk about looking presidential! Very very important visually. We’re leading a conquest, not some puny ‘administration.’ MAGA.”

The written statement from Trump’s transition team said, “President-elect Donald J. Trump will be sworn-in wearing traditional civilian clothing. After the ceremony is completed, President Trump will appear before the congressional luncheon proudly displaying the uniform he will wear every day as Commander-in-Chief.”

“Cabinet members will be formally commissioned at a ceremony and celebration at FedEx stadium on Jan. 22, 2017,” according to the release.

“President-elect Trump deeply respects weak, politically correct concerns about protecting civilian control of government and even the military, which is stupid, by the way,” the statement continued. “Therefore, Vice President Mike Pence and the ‘Ladies of the Cabinet’ have agreed to forego their right to be in uniform as an act of patriotism and bipartisanship.”

Transition officials denied rumors that Attorney General nominee Jefferson Sessions was given permission to wear the uniform of a Confederate general. They said the president-elect rejected Sessions’ request because the uniforms clashed.

In a hastily arranged joint statement, former presidents Jimmy Carter, George H.W. George W. Bush and Barack Obama declared, “The president-elect must reverse this impulsive decision, however well intended it is. The constitution demands civilian control of all branches of our democratic republic and that principle must be reinforced clearly and constantly by the peoples’ servants. This ill-conceived proposal undermines more than two centuries of constitutional vigilance and would lump America with authoritarian regimes such as China, North Korea, Syria and Texas.”

President-elect Trump responded immediately on Twitter: “Losers. You guys never cut a good deal with a guy in uniform — never. I win deals-period. So lighten up, this is huge for the brand.”

Kellyanne Conway, Trump’s pollster adviser, said, “The uniforms were crazy popular in our polls and especially the focus groups. Americans crave this kind of strong, confident, sexy authority. Hint: Don’t be surprised if you see Republicans in Congress looking pretty sharp soon!!”

Members of the Eisenhower family were gathering at the Kansas burial site to help the former general, war hero and president roll over in his grave. The private ceremony will be closed to the press and public.

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By Dick Meyer

Dick Meyer is Chief Washington Correspondent for the Scripps Washington Bureau and DecodeDC (www.newsnet5.com/decodedc). –Ed. 

(Tribune Content Agency/Scripps Washington Bureau)