In 1987 American writer Norman Mailer directed a movie titled “Tough Guys Don’t Dance.” Scorned by moviegoers, the movie was soon forgotten. Yet the title amused people.

After the movie was released, I was invited to teach at Brigham Young University as a visiting professor. I moved to Provo, Utah, with my daughter Min who was in the sixth grade.

One day, her best friend Brittany Walker came over to my apartment to play with Min. At the time, I happened to wear a pink shirt. “Dad, you are in pink!” exclaimed Min, embarrassed in the presence of her friend. Without hesitation, I replied in a deep voice rather proudly, “Tough guys wear pink.” Brittany burst into laughter.

Now Brittany is 30 years old and she still remembers my terse, witty answer that I borrowed from Mailer’s unfortunate film to escape the awkward situation.

Traditionally, Korea is known to be a country of scholars and gentlemen, not warriors and tough guys. The ruling class was made of scholars and poets called “seonbi” who devoted themselves to reading, writing calligraphy and composing poems. Naturally, tough guys and street fighters were not appreciated in Korean society. Neither were violent physical fights.

Strangely, however, in modern Korean society, people are obsessed with the notion that a man should be rough and tough. Older Korean men cannot stand any criticism that hurts their manly ego, and thus hate to be called sissy or stingy. That is why Korean men are usually heavy tippers at bars and pubs. In fact, calling a man a sissy is an insult and taboo in Korea. It is like calling someone a coward or a liar in American or British society.

The problem is that many Korean men tend to confuse the word “manly” with “show off” or “bluff.” They also misunderstand that being rude or messy is manly too. If a man is too polite or neat, therefore, he is labeled a sissy man. If you are thoughtful and careful, you are not manly either. That is to say, you should be reckless and careless in order to be become manly in Korean society. It is no wonder that Koreans are not particularly interested in public safety or contingency plans because in their eyes they are sissy, girly stuff.

Another way to prove your manhood in Korean society is to be a chain smoker or a heavy drinker. Although things have changed these days, nonsmokers or teetotalers have long been regarded as sissy men in Korea. There is a maxim in Korea, “Heroes like women.” Promiscuous playboys, too, are often mistaken as heroic men in Korea. Koreans even think of a violent man or a man of extremes as a manly person. Perhaps that is why Koreans are incredibly generous about violence.

However, these men of violence and bravado are, in fact, far from truly manly persons. A heroic man is someone who has the courage to save others in times of crisis at the risk of his life. A truly manly person is someone who is sincere, trustworthy and dependable, that is, a man of his words, and responsible and sincere. A manly person never picks on someone weaker, never beats up women and children, and never takes advantage of someone in trouble. 

Manliness and true grit require professionalism and courage, and decency and integrity. If a captain escapes from his sinking ship before his passengers, he is neither a man nor a leader. If a political leader hurriedly escapes during wartime, abandoning his people behind, he is not a man either. If an army officer takes off, leaving his men in danger, he is not a manly person as well. 

On the other side of the fence, there are younger Korean men who look and act like women. In order to be good-looking, for example, these young men do not hesitate to put on makeup, or get facelifts. At wedding ceremonies, you can even find grooms wearing lipstick. These young Korean men who put on makeup or do cosmetic surgeries look as beautiful as women and so are called “pretty boys.” If you looked shabby and homely, you will find it hard to have a girlfriend nowadays. That is why men’s cosmetic shops and plastic surgeons make a fortune in Korea. After all, a man’s got to do what a man’s got to do to survive.

In today’s Korean society, there are two contrasting types of men: older men who tend to bluff and show off, and younger men who put on makeup to entice women. In different ways, both of them resemble a flamboyant peacock showing off its gorgeous tail to lure a female.

But that is not what women want. I believe most women want a courteous, reliable, and responsible man who can take care of his family, and an open-minded, flexible and caring man who can hold you in his arms and comfort you in difficult times. Perhaps we need a tough guy who can wear pink.    

By Kim Seong-kon

Kim Seong-kon is a professor emeritus of English at Seoul National University and president of the Literature Translation Institute of Korea. -- Ed