Nothing is etched in stone, it seems, when it comes to English grammar. A few weeks ago, I read an intriguing article by Peter Singer, in The Korea Herald, entitled “The cow who escaped the slaughterhouse,” in which Singer argued that, when animal words are placed before relative pronouns, as antecedents, “Using ”who“ (as in the title) apparently is becoming more acceptable even for animals who are not pets and are less likely than great apes to be thought of as individuals.“ It appears as though animals are beginning to enjoy the same status as people, among an increasing number of native speakers of English, well, at least grammar-wise. 

Let me add my two cents. I think the reverse should be applied also, and that irresponsible pet owners should be relegated to the lowly status of their pets and, thus, should be addressed using the relative pronoun “which” instead of “who,” as in the title of this article, as a form of punishment. Sounds fair?

My wife and I are currently encountering some difficulties regarding our neighbor’s dogs. The family that lives adjacent to our farmhouse, in Dangjin, lets their unruly canines run loose constantly. We planted grass in our yard so that our grandkids could have fun playing on it when they visit. We also throw a barbecue there once in a while when we have visitors. 

The problem is the dogs next door are taking advantage of it, also, by depositing their droppings all over our nicely manicured grass yard. We have tried doggedly to shoo these darn dogs away, but to no avail. We beseeched the owners of these defecating devils, several times, to keep their pesky pets on a leash, but what we say falls on deaf ears. It’s like barking at the moon. We are at our wits’ end. Perhaps our only recourse is to deposit our excrement in their yard, as equitable payback. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander.

Nowadays, more and more people keep dogs as pets, and that’s fine. Such a phenomenon may upgrade our national image, as someone arguably said, “The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated.” 

Unfortunately, I often see pet owners turning a blind eye while their dogs poop anywhere they please. I had the upsetting misfortune of stepping on such fecal matter while I was out taking a stroll recently. I hadn’t noticed it until I came home and the crappy smell enveloped our whole apartment. 

Dear pet owners, please keep your dogs on a leash and clean up after them, especially when you’re out taking them for a walk, unless you wish to be demoted to the relative pronoun “which.” Furthermore, uncooperative pet owners may usher in strict laws, such as having to use diapers on their dogs. To avoid these measures, let’s please put an end to all this crap.

By Kim Haeng-jung

Kim Haeng-jung is a former principal of Geumsan High School in Geumsan, South Chungcheong Province. –Ed.